It's time to Eat Your Food

... with Style!

We know the story. You've tried it all...

But none of them were ever enough.

Well have we got The Answer for you!

Introducing New Coal!

That's right, New Coal.
New Coal.
It's Coal that's New!

Now you may be asking yourself: "Hey, what's the deal with New Coal?" Well, I'll tell you what's the deal with New Coal. It's exactly what it sounds like. You know how Classic Coal is made out of Old Stuff™? It's just trees and fish that have long since expired and been compressed like some kind of ancient JPEG. That's sort of gross if you ask me. There's got to be a better answer. Surely we can find a way to enjoy the high-quality flavor of coal without having to deal with all that Nasty Business™. This is where New Coal comes in. Using our proprietary Air Filter technology, we're able to extract carbon right out of the atmosphere of your filthy factory and transform it into an edible product. As an added bonus, the manufacturing process cleans up your excessive pollution, so you don't even have to worry anymore about those damn bugs trying to bust down your wall to steal this synthetic delicacy.

It's got that rich bitter taste we all know and love. It's got that deep crunch you've come to expect. It's got that complex amorphous texture in every mouthful. It's New Coal.

Your hyper-industrial hellscape just got a whole lot tastier.

Try some of our other Products!

Crude Oil
Comes in steel barrels for convenient consumption
Pumped and processed in Alaska
Pairs nicely with a side of Pentiums
Space Durians
Great for making fries!
Disclaimer: may be removed in later versions
Corndogs
Good source of protein!
Pulled from the ground in some random field
Slight chance to cause food poisoning but don't worry about that part
Milk
And its sister product, Spilled Milk
Fish Sandwiches
The tree bark crust adds tons of fiber!
Ingredients harvested from that one lake over there that now looks like some kind of septic system
Cake
Surplus stock - has to go fast!
Our baker made way too many! We have literal barrels full of them!
Please take some off our hands! Please!
Seriously who's idea was it to make all these?
Frozen Pizza
Prepared with love...
... and a USB fan
Meal: the AP World History Special
Columbian Cookies
Made with Special Spice
They're absolutely safe, trust me
New World Soup
"Whaddaya mean there's only soup?"
Cooked by console peasants
Corn
The downfall of the Mayans and the cause of communism
Disclaimer: production may be outsourced to alien farmers
Miscellaneous Vittles
It's just a grab-bag of whatever I found in my pantry lol
Order via Amazon Prime today!*
* Amazon Prime Distribution Center may still be under construction at the time of writing