We know the story. You've tried it all...
Well have we got The Answer for you!
Introducing New Coal!
That's right, New Coal.
New Coal.
It's Coal that's New!
Now you may be asking yourself: "Hey, what's the deal with New Coal?" Well, I'll tell you what's the deal with New Coal. It's exactly what it sounds like. You know how Classic Coal is made out of Old Stuff™? It's just trees and fish that have long since expired and been compressed like some kind of ancient JPEG. That's sort of gross if you ask me. There's got to be a better answer. Surely we can find a way to enjoy the high-quality flavor of coal without having to deal with all that Nasty Business™. This is where New Coal comes in. Using our proprietary Air Filter technology, we're able to extract carbon right out of the atmosphere of your filthy factory and transform it into an edible product. As an added bonus, the manufacturing process cleans up your excessive pollution, so you don't even have to worry anymore about those damn bugs trying to bust down your wall to steal this synthetic delicacy.
It's got that rich bitter taste we all know and love. It's got that deep crunch you've come to expect. It's got that complex amorphous texture in every mouthful. It's New Coal.
Your post-industrial hellscape just got a whole lot tastier.